We hadn’t been at Nick’s grandparents’ very long when Jeff arrived with Koreen. I learned very quickly the surprising news that the two of them were engaged! As Koreen approached me, I noticed that she was a very put-together girl with a well planned outfit and accessories, pretty painted nails and short blond hair that was done up big. The very first thing she said to me as she wrapped her arms around me was “I’ve always wanted a sister!” I can’t explain why, but that phrase didn’t sit right with me. I wanted to be open and loving toward this new young woman who will be part of my family forever, but I felt like I heard a warning in those words. What is wrong with me? Isn’t it perfectly nice of her to be so accepting of me that she is ready to call me her sister? Am I resentful of the fact that she seems to be expecting this wonderful “sisters” kind of relationship with me when I don’t even know her? I spent the rest of the time at the grandparents’ house being friendly and chatty, trying to get to know her better. Grandma got out a Christmas ornament and wrapped it so Koreen wouldn’t be left out of the annual ornament exchange that Nick’s family does every Thanksgiving. I told Grandma how to spell Koreen’s name with a K for the gift tag. Koreen was thrilled that grandma got the spelling right and loves the woman for it. I guess it’s the little things (??)
Jeff seems happy to be getting married. Koreen seems to be the type who will wear the pants, but I think Jeff is comfortable letting her take the lead. There’s already been some conflict between the happy couple and his parents over the wedding date. Nick and Jeff’s parents, Cliff and Audrey, have a house under construction and are planning to move in on the weekend that Jeff and Koreen have chosen to get married, just 3 months from now, in February. Audrey thinks Jeff and Koreen should be able to pick another weekend since the plans to move were in place first, but Koreen feels like anyone who isn’t willing to drop everything and change plans for the wedding is being selfish. Not sure who's right, but it's not my problem. I’ll focus on being friendly next time I see her and forget about the impression I got from the “I’ve always wanted a sister” remark. I want things to start off well between Koreen and me.
Analysis
What I didn't know at the time I met Koreen was that even at our first meeting, she was demonstrating traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Her statement that she had always wanted a sister while true, felt like a warning because it seemed unnatural to expect a sister relationship so early on. This expectation is typical of the grandiose fantasies that people with NPD have of ideal relationships. She was already setting her expectations of me really high, imagining that she and I were going to be the best of friends. These kinds of high expectations set the Narcissist up for disappointment when the idealized person fails to fulfill these expectations. The Narcissist then directs frustration and negativity toward the person who supposedly failed them. The target of the Narcissist's frustration is left wondering what in the world they did wrong. Things go downhill when the Narcissist feels this person pulling away or avoiding them.
The conflict over the wedding date was also an early sign of Koreen's controlling personality. People with NPD believe that their "special" status makes their needs more important than anyone else's. She felt that as the Bride, her wishes should be met with automatic compliance. A graceful bride realizes that there are other people involved in the wedding and works with the parents to choose a date that is best for everyone. Especially when the parents are paying.
